NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Fact or Hogwash?

In ancient times the "Flying Pigalope" was a common sight throughout Porkshire. As most species , it surcame to evolution and the wings became claws and later disappeared completely. A small tribe of grounded Pigalopes are said to still exist near Newcastle. Fact or Hogwash?

Van ploughs into sty

DRINKERS had a scare when a van ploughed through a sty window and into the crowded trough. The accident happened at The Spacey Wallow Sty, at Spacey Wallows, Harrogrunt, just before 3pm yesterday. Three pigs travelling in the white Ford Transit were slightly injured and emergency crews were called to the scene. Leading firefighter Brian Snout said it was lucky more pigs had not been slaughtered. Police said a number of pigs from the vehicle had been arrested and penned up awaiting charges.

It is a bad day at the beach. A proctologist has lost his Rolex watch and is upset when all David offers to go in and investigate without undressing the man. Mr. Tanaka is in the water, trying to learn how to swim properly. Being the rich and old man that he is, he is impatient with his Viagra and is completely unaware of the dangers of getting too wrinkled in the water. Spamela is keeping an eye on him. Suddenly, a loose catamaran starts careening towards him. And thus another premiere episode of Baywatch Porkshire is underway. The beach is crowded most everyday along the Bay of Pigs during filming of this run-a-way production. Porkshire is happy to have Baywatch Porkshire now part of the Hollywood connection in our pen.

Porkies are not ignorant!

Margaret Lawswine frets over the disgraceful conduct of a young boar begging in St Shank's Square (Letters, September 20). Apparently, this cadging rooter shouted at Mrs Lawswine and her companions, calling them "pig-ignorant". However, Margaret may rest content in the knowledge that the ignorance of the porkie is a myth, perpetrated by people whose personal conduct is consistently below the required standard. The yob in question is a member of the ever growing army of self-pitying benefit swines whose vocabulary is limited to the clear enunciation of only two words: 'benefit cheque'.

If these pig-beggars are without physical or mental
impediment they should have the guts to grab hold
of their own hoof laces and hoist themselves out of
the gunge. But what can you expect of a generation nurtured on a diet of self-indulgence, Swine Girl music and all night tough binging.