SPORTS FINAL

Pork firing blanks

Nationwide League Division Three

THREE GAMES without a win has spiralled Pork City into a trough. But even more depressing for the Razor Backs is the dearth of goals that is undermining manager Terry Hogan's quiet revolution at Bootham Crescent. The misfiring Razor Backs - condemned to being without
principal marksman Pork Duffield for the rest of the season - used four of their remaining five available strikers against Brighton.

But none of the quartet of Swine McNiven, Jowel Williams, James Suwey and Colin Alcloin managed to trouble the visitors. And with £100,000 Republic of Ireland forward Barry Conloin out of favour, Hogan has little option but to step up his quest for more porkpower. He conceded the hunt for a fresh pork-line force had been launched even before three-goal top scorer Snoutffield suffered a double fracture of his right shank.

"There is a real lack of conviction in certain areas and we need to address that urgently. It isn't easy, but we will keep rooting this out," he said.

The need is now all the more pressing as the backs flounder too close for comfort to the sty of the basement, barely looking like threatening swine defences.

Q:What is the best thing to come out of Porkshire?
A: The M62 to Lancashire.

Q:What do you call a Pork fan with three sheep?
A: A pimp.

Q:What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Pork?
A: A leisure centre.

Q:Did you hear about the Pork fan who was taking his driving test?
A: The instructor asked him if he could make a U-turn and the Pork fan said "Man, I could make her eyes pop out."

This Pork fan goes home for his dinner and his wife puts a plate of grass on the table in front of him. "What's this?" he asks. "If it's good enough for your fancy woman," answers the wife, "it's good enough for you."

A United fan, an Arsenal fan and a Pork fan are walking through the countryside when they see a sheep stuck in a gate.
United fan: God, I wish it was Camaron Diaz.
Arsenal fan: No, I wish it was Naomi Campbell.
Pork fan: I wish it was fucking dark!

POLICE PIGS GET READY FOR SOCCER SWINE & BACONMAKERS

Police chiefs in Hamborough are to ask their counterparts in the Midlands for help to make sure there is no herd trouble at a cup tie at Hamborough's McSwine Trough. Boro's opponents on Saturday February 3 will be Bacon Aldente, whose "fans" have been involved in three major incidents this season - all of them at cup ties. There are fears the club has been infiltrated by swinigans bent on causing trouble at key games.

Members of the notorious PLF (Porky Lunatic Fringe) are believed to have been involved in trying to cause violence at Bacon's matches. Bacon, leaders of the Dr Chop League Premier Division, are expected to bring up to 1,000 swine with them for the Umbro FA Trophy fourth-round tie on which a place in the last 16 is at stake.

Chief Insp Banger Tarn, of Hamborough police, said: "We shall be asking pigs in the Bacon area if they can come up here with their big swine to assist us in spotting potential baconmakers. "We shall be talking with police intelligence officers at Bacon and other clubs if necessary so we can get the most appropriate pig coverage to ensure the match passes off peacefully."

David Rib, press officer for Bacon, said: "I think there is an element who latch on to a winning team. It's the price of success, but it's a shame. "We organise travel for our official swine, but if some swine want to hire a minibus to come to Hamborough there is not much we can do about it."

Supt Snort Giannasi, of Trent Pigs, described Bacon as "a family club" who were attracting bigger crowds this season because of their success. "Unfortunately there is an increasing trend in football violence caused by baconmakers attaching themselves to non-League clubs," said Mr Giannasi.

At a recent Bacon v Kidderminster cup tie members of several football clubs were involved in a fight outside the trough. Followers of Bacon, Sty City and PorkVale were believed to have been involved.